Buzzed

Over the past few weeks, people have been asking me the same question: "Why did you cut you hair?"

Short answer:

Because I wanted to and with enough encouragement from family and friends and a lot of overthinking…I went for it!

Long answer:

When I was diagnosed almost nine years ago with Type One Diabetes I felt as though I’d lost all control. I was scared and angry and confused. I felt helpless and I didn’t like feel like I had any control over my body or what was happening to me.

Flash forward nine years and I’ve grown to realize that we don’t really have control over what happens to us in life but we do have control over how we react to what’s thrown our way.

About two years after being diagnosed, I turned 13 and decided I wanted to cut my hair for my birthday. Unfortunately, it was NOT a good look. However, that is what started my always changing, extremely impulsive hair journey. I’ve cut my hair, I’ve dyed my hair, I’ve shaved the side. And every time I’ve done so, I’ve become a little more confident and a little more me.

A year ago when I shaved the side of my head I instantly felt empowered. It was impulsive but something I had wanted to do for a while. I was terrified but once I did it it made me feel confident and edgy. I loved how my hair made me feel, but I think shaving just the side was me trying to satisfy a need to shave it all off but being too scared to do so.

After a few months of maintaining it, I finally started to let my hair grow out. Eventually I cut it short so it’d be one length. I dyed it pink and then turquoise and then cut it even shorter.

Then a few weeks ago I started thinking and vocalizing wanting to cut it all off. I started telling family and friends that my plan was to cut it once I graduated.

The only problem... I’m impulsive and impatient and once I have an idea in my head it won’t escape me. It went from being when I graduated, to this summer, to me questioning doing it at all, to me deciding that I couldn’t wait any longer and was going to do it on Saturday.

I planned for my friend to come with me for moral support and to film it and ultimately not let me back out. Two Saturdays ago, I walked into Floyd’s on Ventura Boulevard, met Paige, one of the sweetest and most encouraging hairstylists I’ve ever come across and said goodbye to my long blonde hair.

It was weird at first but within a few hours of it being buzzed, I felt really happy with my decision.

I think deep down I knew I wouldn’t hate it but I was so afraid of what other people would think that I started to make myself fear that I would hate it. But I don’t. I don’t hate it all. If anything, I love it. Like a lot.

It’s funny how something as simple as a haircut can completely change how you see yourself. I thought I’d see myself different and I spent a lot of time looking in the mirror wondering whether or not I’d recognize myself.

As it turns out, I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself more clearly than I do now.

I feel more me than ever before. I feel stronger, more confident, more feminine, more beautiful, ultimately I feel more me. And I think that that’s really, really cool.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared about looking less feminine. I don’t think the length of your hair determines your femininity and yet I told myself that that was a valid reason to hold off.

Truth is, I’ve never felt more feminine.

I love my hair and I truly feel beautiful. I've come to learn that our biggest critics are usually ourselves and it’s really nice to be able to like what I see in the mirror. When I look in the mirror now, I see me. I saw me before but it was different. I’m not really sure that feeling is something I can explain.

I’m not sure what my hair will look like next but it’s going to be a journey of lengths and colors and awkward stages and I’m ready for it all.

Life is weird and change can be really fucking scary. I think more often than not we stray away from what scares us because it’s easier than facing our fears. But what if instead of using fear to convince ourselves not to do something, we use it as our driving force. Let’s use fear to motivate us to try something new. With that being said...dye your hair blue, get the tattoo you’ve been drawing on yourself in pen for years, travel the world, get a dog, go skydiving! Whatever it is you really want to do but aren’t because fear is holding you back…go for it, just say yes.