Mirror

“I’m going to disappoint you. But you knew that already.”

They say in life you get one chance. One chance for a first impression. One chance to prove to someone that you are worth getting to know. First impressions are like writing a book. First we see the cover, the whole story being revealed over time. What you want known and when you do is in your control.

First impressions are so important. They seem to be essential in convincing someone that you are worth getting to know.

I don’t get first impressions. I don’t get to rewrite my book with every new person I meet. I don’t have the ability to choose what people know and when. That was taken from me.

We were inseparable. We were everything. We were perfect. Then we weren’t. The perfection faded. Tears. Hurt. Heartbreak.

I am an open book. My secrets gossiped. My fears let known. My insecurities poured out for the world to see. My story has been written. There’s no unknown. My life is like knowing the ending of a book the moment you turn the first page.

My smile. My laugh. My ability to pretend that I am okay. It is all a façade. I have tried to disguise myself. I have tried so hard to pretend that I am someone else.

But I cannot. It's too late. I am so sorry.

I tried to give you a lasting first impression. I tried to make you believe that I had done something more.

Twenty years later.

Here we are. Same eyes. Same smile. No words needed. My expression said it all, “I’m going to disappoint you. But you already knew that.”

You knew that I was not who I said I was. You knew that my smile was a lie. My hair was fake. My body an illusion.

You knew that I was far from perfection. That I would be a disappointment. You knew I would let you down, time and time again.

You knew my secrets. My fears. My insecurities. You knew every ounce of it.

In that moment, I wanted my life back. I wanted my first impression back. I wanted to rewrite the past. I wanted you to know me on my intended terms.

I didn’t want you to know that I had been hurt. That I had been broken. I didn’t want you to know that I wasn’t as strong as I pretended to be. I didn’t want you to know that I was far from perfect.

But you did. You knew all of it. You always did. The magic of first impressions was no longer possible. The mystery was no where to be found.

My obscure reflection stared back at me through the foggy bathroom mirror.

“I’m going to disappoint you. But you knew that already.”

You knew that from the moment we entered this world.

You knew I would let you down.

However, I loved you. As a matter of fact...I still do.

You forced me to believe I could fix us. You forced me to open my eyes. You forced me to get up when I fell down.

I disappointed you. I disappoint you. And I will continue to disappoint you.

That is what’s so amazing about the uncertainty of first impressions.

They don’t have to be perfect. They don’t have to be flawless.

While we only get one first impression with those we meet. It seems that we get more than one first impression with ourselves.

We get more than one moment in our life for self reflection.

A chance to meet yourself again.

Because when it is just you and your reflection.

There are;

No secrets.

No lies.

No surprises.

Just real, imperfect, beautiful truth.