Kind of a Love Story.

It was perfect. It was magic. Our lips pressed together. His soft, warm hands held my face as he pulled me closer towards him. My heart skipped a beat and I was so completely in love. As we stood outside my car in the parking lot of Mama Deena’s pizzeria, I knew that in his arms was exactly where I wanted to stay. We stood there for what felt like hours, smiling in between passionate kisses, as the rain poured and soaked our clothes that were far from water proof. It was a movie moment...rain storm kisses and endless love.

Rachel I don't get why you always do this. You are constantly blaming me but I never do anything wrong.

Mark what the fuck are you talking about? You were being rude to me in front of your friends so I left. What more do you want from me?! Damn it Mark, I can't keep doing this.

Fuck. Seriously, Rachel. We were joking around.

Well. It wasn’t funny. It’s never funny.

That's pretty much how our relationship was for the last two years that we were together. We told each other it was only the last few months but if we were being honest, things had been bad for a while. We fought about anything and everything. We rarely communicated and never saw eye to eye. It wasn’t overnight. It was a slow and subtle realization that we were growing apart instead of together. It's crazy. It started off so perfect. Yet after a couple years, college graduation, different career paths, separate friend groups, and two families, the "perfect" relationship that we once had became so far out of reach.

Friends, family members, and therapists all said it was a phase. Relationships have their bumps but ours too would pass. Except it didn’t.

Once we broke up, I moved to New York. Typical right? Break up with whom you thought was your soul mate and then run off to the city of dreams? It was pretty typical. Yet, it was the best decision I ever made.

For the first time in six years, I was on my own. I was an “I,” and not a “we.” I spontaneously went to museums and looked at the most amazing artwork. I sat next to strangers in movie theaters and got lost in the stories of characters on the big screen. I saw Broadway shows in the middle of the week and made friends with people on the bus. I worked as a barista, a receptionist, and a taxi driver. I spent too many nights binge-watching Friends and stuffing my face with Insomnia peanut butter cookies that were delivered to my doorstep at three in the morning. It was the best year I had had in six years.

Then it hit me. I was so wrapped in the excitement of the move that I hadn’t allowed myself to accept that I was in fact single. One night, about a year after our break up and my move to the Big Apple, I sat in my apartment eating pizza and listening to music. As the rain poured outside my window, I was taken back to the night in the Mama Deena’s parking lot. I tried to contain myself but I lost it. Tears. I couldn’t stop sobbing. For the first time in a year, I finally allowed myself to cry. I had been so angry at Mark and at myself and at the fact that we let our relationship fall apart, that I didn’t realize how much I missed “us.”

Babe, I love you...so much.

I love you too, but we can't keep doing this to each other...

I don’t know how to do this without you though.

Babe, do what?

I don’t know…life…

Yeah me neither Rach, but we’ll figure it out, I think…it’ll be okay.

It doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay.

I love you…this isn’t goodbye, just a see you later.

That was the last conversation we had with each other until we ran into each other four years later. It was at Rainbow Bagel in Brooklyn, where I heard someone call my name from behind and I recognized the voice instantly.

Rachel? Wow, hi!

As I turned around there was Mark standing behind me. I smiled and instantly felt all these old emotions overcome my body. I couldn’t move. I saw him standing there and all of our past memories and the memories we never got to make ran through my mind. Our conversation is a little fuzzy to me because of all that I was feeling but it went a little like this:

Oh my goodness, Hi! Mark, hi! How are you?

Rach, its so good to see you! I’m really good actually. I can’t believe its been so long…like what 4 years now?

Yeah, it feels like just yesterday…so what are you doi—

It was at that moment that I noticed the stroller next to him.

What! Mark is that a baby? Is that your baby?

Yes Rach, this is Mia.

Oh my gosh, Mark, that’s…that’s… I wanted to sound genuinely excited and looking back on it I was; I just may have sounded a little bit uncertain in the moment.

Mark that is so great. I’m happy for you. So what is it that you’re doing in New York?

I am actually here on vacation with Mia and her mom, my wife…Sarah.

Oh well the city is wonderful this time of year. How long have you –

He knew what I was about to ask and smiled.

It’s been about a year and half…we got married 6 months ago, about 2 months after Mia here was born.

Oh wow that’s fast!

Yeah, but it all kind of happened at the right time for us. So, Rach, how are you? What have you been up to lately?

I thought about telling him that lately I have been a mess of emotions but instead I went with the shorter, simpler response.

I’ve been good, staying busy and enjoying finding myself in the city.

Fuck. “Finding myself in the city?” Could I have sounded anymore cliché to my ex-boyfriend who is now married and a father?!

That’s really great. Well we got to get going, Sarah is waiting for us at the bookstore down the street.

Ok well it was really great seeing you…enjoy your stay.

Yeah it was. Really great.

It was at this moment that he smiled and began to leave, but then he stopped. He turned around and walked up to me. He looked me in the eyes and smiled. Then he pulled me closer to him and hugged me tight. It was then that he whispered words that seemed to forever change my life.

Rach, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for everything I did and I hope that you can forgive me and let yourself be happy. You deserve the world and I am sorry I couldn’t give it to you. I know you will find someone who deserves you more than I ever did. Oh, and Deena is always asking about you.

He chuckled and pulled away, again looking into my eyes.

Take care.

At this point my eyes were welling up with tears. I wanted to tell him thank you and that I was sorry too but I couldn’t get my lips to move.

It’s ok Rach, I know.

He smiled, kissed my forehead, and left.

I watched him walk across the street, pushing that adorable baby girl. I wanted to be mad. I was so mad at him and myself and us for the past couple weeks and I wanted to stay that way. But…I couldn’t.  As I watched him walk away, I felt this warm and glowing feeling run through my body.

I grabbed my warm bagel and iced tea and headed back to my apartment. As I walked down the street, I felt the wind blow through my hair and I couldn’t stop smiling at the strangers passing by. I sipped my iced tea and somehow it tasted sweeter than usual.

When I got home I went to the closet and took out the shoe box, which held all of the mementos from when we were dating. I rummaged through the box and found old photo booth pictures that showed a couple so madly in love it was ridiculous. I found the tickets from our first concert and 20+ receipts from Mama Deena’s. I found the bracelet he bought me for our one-year anniversary and countless birthday cards.

I sat and looked through the memories and smiled, tears streaming down my face. It was the first time in four years that I had looked through all those memories. I put the memories back in the closet and went to take a shower. I got dressed and decided to go to the park down the street.

I looked at all the kids playing in the sand box and at the couples that sat on the benches on the sidewalk. I noticed the open swing and headed over.

As I sat swinging, I felt my heart skip a beat. After a six-year relationship where I loved my partner more than myself and then four years of me trying to distract myself from my feelings, I finally felt free. I took a deep breath, a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe it was just seeing Mark happy or maybe it was what he said. Maybe all I needed was some closure.

Whatever it was, for the first time in 10 years…I finally felt like I was free to fall completely in love with myself again.